With news that the Warcraft movie will be released on December 18, 2015, we thought you should know how familiar it’ll feel to players of the MMO.
- Twenty-five idiots will pile into every theater, then whine at the end that they didn’t get what they wanted.
- Blizzard’s characters do everything, and no player characters are involved.
- The trailer will be far more epic than the experience itself.
- Content will be available immediately via BitTorrent.
- Initial movie will spin off into 60-minute daily TV episodes, which are just random rearrangements of familiar elements.
- There’s no sequel, just a series of deleted scenes and extended editions.
- No matter what happens, the Alliance and the Horde will just keep fighting!
- The movie will be balanced for viewer-vs.-viewer Internet forum arguments, rather than people who just go to enjoy the movie itself.
- Special guest star: Chuck Norris.
- There will be a shitty tie-in video game.
Note: This was written from the perspective of a World of Warcraft raider, but some of it will apply to other MMOs as well.
Currently, Warcraft has three roles for players to fill: tank, damage dealer, or healer. The first two are distinct from the third, and will be unless major game mechanics are changed. I’m going to set aside encounter-specific mechanics, because I believe they tend to be a wash - for every boss where the tank has something special to do, there’s another where the DPS or healers have to be on their toes.